Honoring the Season of Stillness
We’re already days away from the end of January and the first new moon of the decade, and there is no better time to state our intentions than now. New Year’s Resolutions haven’t been my thing for awhile now (check out my upcoming workshops for why!), and I typically sit in the spirit of the new year for a few weeks, astrology depending, before I decide what I want to pursue.
Lucky for us, Aquarius is the sign of ideas and invention, ruling over the mind. Though sometimes mistaken as cold, they’re just a little quicker to warm up to the newest iPhone or your next idea for a nonprofit than small talk. Give them a conversation about the most cosmic, high-minded topic you can think of, and they’ll be all in. The true aliens of the zodiac, they go their own way, and if you’re not down, it’s without you. Being from a whole lot of them—my mom, dad, and sister are all Aquarius, and now my boyfriend—I deeply love, appreciate, and have learned so much from this strange little air sign, who is actually just too cool for the rest of us.
I’m grateful for the new Aquarius energy after the intensity of Capricorn in all the planets (hardly exaggerating) this past month. My New Years Eve started off with crying for the better part of 8 hours. I cried to my therapist, I cried to my best friend, I cried to my mom, I cried to my sister. Then I cried curled up in bed, my face pressed against my love. From 10 AM to 6 PM, I didn’t numb or run or explain it away. I didn’t try to figure it out; I just let it move. Each time I thought it was over, another wave came. There were moments where I wondered if I would ever stop, where I attempted to get up and make coffee, to be productive, to brush it away (to numb, run, or explain it away…), but I’d collapse back into it moments later.
It begged to be felt. I cried for what felt like the whole decade, for what felt like not only myself, but any women I’d ever known. For all the ones I didn’t. I cried for the two beautiful best friends I lost this year to addiction. To my former self who I think would have been lost this decade, too, had I not accepted help. I cried for the woman who didn’t believe she had a say, but who is finally learning. For the woman who didn’t allow herself needs or wants, who didn’t know she could change her mind. I cried for the woman who dove wholeheartedly into love, who walked through every fear and uncertainty, who pushed the odds. For the woman who learned to fail, to let others down, to set boundaries—all for the sake of her Truth and wellbeing. I cried for the woman who learned the sound of her voice, who learned the depth of connection through vulnerability, who learned that family is for her, too. Who is still learning, still messy, still unsure so often—who walks forward, anyway.
And so I walked into 2020 emptied. Exhausted, but not defeated. Humbled, more than anything. Interestingly enough, I’ve come full circle from last January—no side job to keep me afloat, just me and the relentless pursuit of creativity and freedom. I could say I haven’t made it anywhere new, but I know that’s not true. This time, my trust feels palpable and concrete. I am with support that I’m allowing through intimate, healthy partnership, and through God’s grace. I am giving myself time to continue to heal, from the inside and out, reminding myself how far I have walked. And I am proud. Of who I am, of what I’ve given, of how far I have to go—because it never ends, friends. It never ends.
“Dear God, show me the way. I’m confused, I’m unequipped, I’m restless—show me the way. Show me who’s along on the path, where we’re going, and how to get there. Show me the way. Allow me to hollow out, so that I may be filled with truth, no matter what that means or looks like. I trust you. Show me the way. Allow me to shine so that I light the way for others, to radiate love, to guide through joy, through laughter, through clear presence. Show me the way. May this beginning of a decade be a testament to faith, to love, and to service—of you, of them, of my Truest self. I love you. I am sure of you. I am sure of me. Show me the way.” —a prayer I wrote on the morning of January 1st
In the beginning of this decade, I was immersed in full-blown alcoholism. I was only 17 years old. I entered my first rehab in 2011, with no idea that it was only the beginning of the end. It would be 4 more painful, necessary, and heartbreakingly beautiful years of aching, of arrests, of lost relationships, and unimaginable humiliation and demoralization before I actually hit my knees in surrender. It would be 2014 until sobriety was anything that even felt like a possibility. It would be 2019 when I reached 5 years without a drink or a drug, without so much as a prescription medication—and still sometimes, without a clue of the magnitude of that.
Not to mention all the traveling, all the expansion, all the connection, and deep, relentless healing. Graduating with a writing degree, becoming a yoga teacher, diving into reiki healing and astrology and any other modality that’s grabbed ahold of me. But really, the only accomplishment that I feel able to take credit for is my willingness to be reborn. My desperate and daunting commitment to that. The gravity of my faith in the Good of the world and of life’s offerings and of God. My clinging to that, to hope, is my way of resilience.
I am still being made new all the time. Hollowing out. That’s the only way for God to rush in and fill the space with what is truly for us. And I’ve never been so sure than after the turn my life took this year that I have no idea what’s next for this one, let alone this decade. What I’ve chosen instead is to set intentions to send my arrow towards, with a commitment to continue to be willing to look at myself, to learn, and to be a stand for Truth—no matter the cost. So I’ll share with you what I’ve been thinking, subject to change, as always…
INTENTIONS for 2020:
1. GO TOWARDS JOY. As in, remove all the blocks I have that tell me I have to struggle, that I can’t just do what I love, that the guilt that I’m used to bearing is necessary. To get back to the basics of what is most important to my essence and my expression and start there. My plan is to follow the urges that strike with abandon, to be hollow enough to hear the ideas that want to come through me. To listen. To stop questioning, and instead get on with creating—through the expression of myself, my career, the way I love, and the way I live my one gd life.
2. TRUTH. As in, the capital ‘T’ Truth, and nothing but the Truth, no hold backs. As in, the courage for the relentless pursuit of it. This means that I say yes to things that will expand me—even if I’m scared—and clear-cut no’s to what won’t. This means establishing a deep understanding of the Truth of intuition/the voice of God and the lie of fear, so I can discern these things. It means no longer holding back my wants and needs, and most especially no longer holding back aspects of myself for the comfort of others. This means sharing with relentless fearlessness and with intention. It means no more hiding. It means no more living lies. It means to love what I love without holds and most simply to not settle for a fucking thing that isn’t True for me or serving a purpose for someone I love. That this is not only my birthright, but my purpose.
3. Channeling Jupiter in Capricorn: STABILITY AS A WAY TO FREEDOM. 2019 featured Jupiter in Sagittarius, which was all expansion and get-at-it, throw-spaghetti-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks in true archer fashion. We’ve plunged into Capricorn in Jupiter, which reminds us that more is not really more; can we ,instead, harvest what worked last year with diligence and commitment for the long haul. This all-year transit forces us to focus, to grow up, and to master. To create an integrated, solid foundation. Long-term and responsibility are not my strong suits, but I can recognize what’s important when I see it. So I’m down to be shown how stability and consistency can set me free, Universe. Show me the way.
Other things I have in mind for 2020:
Travel to Croatia (and see my long-lost soul sister, Gabi), to Italy with Vito and the fam, and the desert (California, New Mexico, Arizona?). Maybe even get back to Mexico.
Find a consistent kundalini practice (preferably a class) and a hip-hop dance class + stick with the decent exercise routine I’ve found because it’s been honoring my body so good
Create my own online course and start some sort of zine
Read at least 24 books (using this as a way to SIGNIFICANTLY decrease my attachment to my phone and social media)
Sing in front of people
When I think I’ve run out of love, give a little more
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and Creation) there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: The moment that one definitely commits ones self, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.” –Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
And finally, I’ll be taking a desperately needed social media break starting today that I’ve been sitting on for far too long (the first of many more this year). I’m traveling to Colombia on February 3rd to meet a friend I met in Thailand years ago (eeek!!!) for a few days, and then I’ll be alone there for a few. It’s my first solo trip in far too long, and I’m grateful to have Jack to greet me when I get there. I will probably come back online to share that experience, though obviously my phone usage in South America will be limited. I don’t ever include international service on my phone plan; I just keep it on airplane mode the whole time and this is one of my favorite aspects of traveling. I find that the lack of phone usage creates unparalleled presence and ability to tap into my intuition.
Unfortunately, I’m back to the constant stimulation and noise when I get back to America far too quickly. All of which crowds our third eye, our creativity, our ability to listen, our connection with reality vs. illusion, and so much more when gone unchecked. I want to prove to myself that the algorithm, the marketing, the self-promo is not “what’s working.” I want to get all of the comparison and distraction off my back. I want to reconfirm my belief: that what works is the magnetism of authenticity—listening to your gut no matter who says what.
So we’ll see what happens. I have a lot of questions for myself and for my place in ‘wellness’ and ‘healing’—words that leave a strange taste in my mouth these days. More on that later. My intention now is to go all the way in and decide what I truly want to create, what I feel I uniquely have to offer in such an oversaturated marketplace. If what I’m offering now is really, all the way ME because otherwise what is the point? What am I doing here? And bluntly, should I be here at all? More than anything, I want to get back to my first love of writing and reading and the power of words to transform our lives—my Truest magic.
During this hiatus, I will also be taking a break from all appointments. This will be at least until February 16th, but possibly longer. I won’t know until I go inside. In the meantime, my efforts will be focused on reading and study, writing, a consistent meditation practice, and presence wherever I end up—plus a NEWSLETTER (slash zine-type-thing)! Finally.
It will be FReeEeeeE and I have no clue yet what it will look like, but here’s a few details I do know:
Delivered to your inbox twice a month—in correlation to the new and full moon each cycle
Will include moon and other astrology info
Will include some type of ritual or journaling, prob geared towards that specific moon
May also include blog posts, anecdotes, writings from me, quotes and poetry, as well as events and workshops I’m holding that month
Will be evolving and experimental
If you like my blogs, you’ll enjoy it!
This journal, this ‘brand,’ this creation dazzles and dizzies me, and as much as I have been conflicted over it this past year, I am most grateful for a place to share. If it touches one person in my messy process, I am thankful—but in all honesty, I have a much broader vision than that, a much grander desire. So I must get to work.
If any of that sounds intriguing to you, enter your email below and see what’s up! If you dig it, share it with you friends. And please: reach out and tell me what you enjoy, what you want more of, what bothers you—I’m down for all of it. What I have seen most consistently along this path is that the best way I serve is through Truth and through Joy. And I can’t wait to see the ways that shows up this year.
Last, but not least before I go: if you want to set some 2020 intentions like these with me and the Aquarius new moon, join me at Ellister’s Elixers in Lancaster this Thursday 24th at 7 PM or at House of Yoga in York on Sunday, 26th at 7 PM. The power in community and ritual is a sight to behold.